Why Belonging Matters More Than “Fitting In”
In many settings, autistic children and young people are encouraged, often unintentionally, to fit in. This can mean learning to behave in ways that appear typical, suppressing natural responses, or masking differences to meet social expectations.
While fitting in may look like success on the surface, research and lived experience consistently show that belonging, not fitting in, is what supports emotional safety, wellbeing, and long-term development for autistic people.
Fitting In vs Belonging: What’s the Difference?
Fitting in often requires autistic individuals to change themselves to be accepted. This may involve masking autistic traits, copying social behaviours, or complying with expectations that feel uncomfortable or overwhelming.
Belonging, on the other hand, means being accepted as you are. It does not require autistic people to hide or suppress their differences in order to be included.
Psychological research has shown that chronic masking and pressure to conform are associated with increased anxiety, stress, and mental health difficulties in autistic individuals (Hull et al., 2017; Lai et al., 2017).
Why Fitting In Can Be Harmful
When the focus is on fitting in, support often prioritises outward behaviour over internal experience. This can result in:
- Increased emotional exhaustion
- Heightened anxiety
- Reduced self-esteem
- A sense of being misunderstood
Autistic individuals may appear calm or compliant, but internally feel unsafe or overwhelmed. Over time, this disconnect can undermine wellbeing and trust (Milton, 2012).
How Belonging Supports Emotional Safety
Belonging creates emotional safety; the feeling that it is safe to be oneself without fear of judgement, correction, or rejection. Emotional safety is a prerequisite for learning, communication, and healthy relationships (Porges, 2011).
When autistic people experience belonging, they are more likely to:
- Communicate authentically
- Engage willingly rather than comply out of fear
- Develop confidence and self-advocacy skills
- Build trusting relationships
Research on self-determination and inclusion highlights that environments which promote acceptance and autonomy lead to better developmental and psychological outcomes for autistic individuals (Ryan & Deci, 2017).
What Belonging Looks Like in Practice
Belonging is not a programme or a reward, it is created through everyday interactions. In practice, this can look like:
- Respecting individual communication styles
- Allowing differences in sensory needs and social interaction
- Valuing preferences and interests
- Responding with patience and consistency
- Adapting environments rather than expecting people to adapt themselves
These small, relational actions send a powerful message: You are valued here.
Why Belonging Matters More Than Fitting In
Fitting in may create surface-level compliance.
Belonging creates connection, trust, and growth.
For autistic children and young people, feeling that they belong supports not only emotional wellbeing but also independence, confidence, and long-term resilience. When people feel safe and accepted, they are far more able to learn, develop skills, and participate meaningfully in their communities.
Belonging is not an extra; it is foundational.
References (APA 7)
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5
Lai, M.-C., Lombardo, M. V., Ruigrok, A. N. V., Chakrabarti, B., Auyeung, B., Szatmari, P., Happé, F., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2017). Quantifying and exploring camouflaging in men and women with autism. Autism, 21(6), 690–702.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361316671012
Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The “double empathy problem”. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-determination theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness. Guilford Press.
